The real reason people sit like idiots watching parades

Heaven, hockey, and the ice water of despair

Why "neurotoxin" is now my favorite word in the English language

Photo ops, flulike symptoms, and trident exchange in the hallway of life

People sign their lives away for the dumbest reasons, but don't blame me, I just wrote the contract

A nasty herd of elephants that are nowhere near as embarrassingly adorable as me. Don't ask

Recipes for disaster from the undisputed master of time, live on your TV screen

Who needs cash when you've got time coming out of your ears?

Echolocate this

Collateral damage, relative humidity, and Lemon Pledge in the dust bowl of my life

It's amazing what you can get for $49.95

Repossession is nine-tenths of the Law, the other tenth is not my problem

Kidnap ye grouchy gentleman, with something to dismay

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms

Mona-mona-bo-bona, bonano-fano-fo-fona

The day that forever will be known as "Black Wednesday"

My head explodes like Mount St. Helens, and I'll probably be picking up the pieces for years

Go ahead...tenderize my meat

I love you, you're and idiot, now let's all go home

Life in cheap, but mine is worth more than a buck ninety-eight in a free-market economy

We'll always have Paris, Capisce?

A weed grows in Brooklyn

Apppendix 1

Appendix 2

Appendix 3.